Right now Joe and I are feeling a huge loss. Wednesday I went it for our 12 week checkup for the baby. They couldn't find the heartbeat with the sonogram, so we went it for the scheduled ultrasound like normal. I wasn't too worried, but had a knot in the pit of my stomach, like I knew something wasn't right.When the ultrasound started I knew at once that the baby was gone. I saw a perfect, little, two inch baby, with little arms and legs, a little spinal cord and it was all so perfect, but...there was no heartbeat. I knew this instantly. The tech left to get a second opinion. She came back in and looked for a good 10 minutes, but I knew what they were going to tell me already. Finally the doctor came in, and told me he was sorry, but the baby was gone. There was no heartbeat. I cried. Dallin got scared and the nurse took him out. The Doctor told me there were two options. I could take some medicine to help me pass the baby, but with how large the baby already was he was worried that I wouldn't pass it all naturally and that they still would find some residue left behind. My other option was to have surgery, a DNC to remove everything cleanly and to be sure I could conceive again was almost a 100% certainty.
I left the office with those two options in mind. I was alone and Dallin was crying. I had to call Joe and tell him the horrible news. It was awful. Neither one of us knew what to do.
I got a blessing from Joe and dear friend. I knew what to do and I felt at peace with it. I went in for surgery yesterday morning. Everything went well. I have been in a lot of pain, cramping and lots of physical discomfort, but it is getting better and better each hour. I grieve this baby, but I know and Joe knows that it will all be fine. I struggled with feeling like it was my fault, but that too is subsiding and I know that things like this just happen. You can't explain it, but then again, you don't have to. I have faith in the gospel and know that everything is going to be fine. I wasn't expecting this to happen, but I take a lot of comfort in knowing what I know. Families are forever and the gospel is true. I felt this baby, I felt it's spirit. I don't know that I will ever raise this baby some day, I don't know how all that will play out, but I do know one thing. That I was privileged enough to carry this sweet spirit for 12 weeks and I am thankful for that.
I think until you experience something like this, you don't realize just how hard it is. But my Savior did experience this, and He does know. I can turn to Him in everything and He is there for me now.
I am so thankful for a wonderful husband and a wonderful family. I love all my friends and the wonderful support they all have been. I am blessed, truly blessed.
If I have learned anything from this experience it is this....Love. I have felt it, pure and undefiled from my Father in Heaven, My Savior and all my family and friends. I am so thankful.
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Friday, October 15, 2010
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10 comments:
this made me cry like a baby...heather, i am so sorry. your words went straight to my heart. i agree that you can't know what it feels like until you have been through it. matt and i are praying for you guys. thank you for the message you sent me. hope that you have a smooth recovery and that the pain subsides very soon. love you
this is one thought that has carried me through this past week by elder holland.
"We are not alone in our little prisons here. When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple."
So sorry you had to go through this, Heather. Truly. I never understood how hard miscarriage was until I went through it...four times. I felt a lot of emotions I never expected and anger and sorrow were two of the big ones. It took time to heal. But time does help a lot. And, honestly, so did Zumba. Hang in there.
Heather and Joe, we are so sorry about your loss and pray that you'll find the comfort and hope to continue to find peace of mind and carry on. Your post was so heartfelt and made me tear up, I have not experienced this and can only imagine how hard it must be. Thank you for reminding me that even through trials we are being watched over, in fact even more so than at other times. Love you guys.
I'm so sorry Heather. I wish I had the perfect words to say. Know that we love you guys and are praying for you. We hope your recovery goes smoothly.
My sweet Heather, I grieve with you. Rob and I pray for you and Joe and Dallin, for he feels your suffering also. The fragility of our lives is so real, and the suffering we experience makes us appreciate the Savior, and will allow us one day to see HIM eye to eye and know we are His. I love you so much.
Thinking of you guys. I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. You have such a strong testimony. Big hugs, xox
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can feel the comfort and love from our Father in Heaven during this tender time.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope your recovery is quick. Your little Dallin is adorable!
Heather and Joe,
Kim and I are so sad to hear about your loss. We will keep you in our prayers, I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, but greatly admire your faith and perserverence.
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