Altered

This morning I was awakened out of my medicated sleep to the sound of laughter. I heard giggles and "shusshes", I heard "daddy's" and "hurry hides". I knew my little offspring was up and at it already. The sun hadn't risen yet, and to be honest, I don't think the birds were awake yet either.
I wearily pushed back the covers and walked into the living room. I saw a mass of quivering blankets in front of the fireplace. Giggles were being shushed by a daddy as my two ninjas tried to evade me. I soon found their hide out and the morning continued with bouts of hiding under blankets and tickles under chins.
I wasn't feeling to hot this morning, it fact, I was feeling lousy. I wasn't feeling too playful and I wasn't participating too much either. I quickly dismissed myself and went to make breakfast, where I managed to break an egg in the fridge. Hubby cleaned it up for me. I then dropped a plate in the sink. It shattered. Hubby cleaned it up for me. I realized I really wasn't firing on all cylinders this morning and resigned to sitting once again in front of the fireplace. At which time, my little ninja came to me again, and I was once again his hiding place and his refuge. The hubs had to leave for a docotor's appointment and I was not in the mood to say goodbye, so I gave him a sitting down hug and a not-so-enthusiastic parting.
Later, I turned on some cartoons for the ninja and found myself staring at the wall. I got to pondering as I frequently do and I realized, I was being so, well, not myself.

I wasn't being who I could be.

I had just let a fantastic morning go by completely unappreciated by, me, and most of all, I hadn't really been an active participant in my little life I am SO blessed to have.
I have been a little "woe is me" as of late. I am have been sick, alone, depressed, infertile and feeling quite sorry for myself. This morning I sat back and realized how I have been acting, and I feel like I have missed out on so much. How often do I get in these slumps and not come out of them for days? This needs to change. I need to change. I resign to change.

Tomorrow, I will play ninja and hide with my little guy. I will play tickles and speeder spiders until he tells me to stop. Tomorrow, I will be happy to be me, to have my life, my religion, my knowledge that families are forever and that this life isn't all we get. I have so much to be grateful for and so much more than I deserve. I have a wonderful life and a wonderful husband.

I have one amazing son and I need to have faith that I will have more. I need to be patient in my trials and have faith things will turn up. I need to be trusting in my Father and know that His will is what I need to seek for, and not my own. I need to have faith in Him more, and trust in his care.
I want to be an active member in my life and not just an observer. I want to be there for my son and for myself. I will stop sulking and start doing. I will stop finding fault and start finding joy. I will stop focusing on what I don't have, and start focusing on what I can do. I will stop seeing myself as a failure and start seeing myself as a daughter of God. I will stop saying negatives and start focusing on positives.
And it starts today.